A philosophy happens to me in real life

true to the core

New job becomes old job…

Should I look for a new job to make my new one old? This place has been working out for me till lately. They wanted me to work more weekends now, which I am very reluctant to due to church activities. Some of the nurses’ assistants are not helpful to me sometimes since I’m new here. The hospital’s central supply is always out of stock! The wound VAC I ordered for one of my patient a week ago just came… who already discharged to nursing home couple days ago! At least I have it now, then it will be available when I need one. Gradually I feel like this is such a crappy place, over-working employees with minimal benefits and cutting us short. If I go find a new job, where and what should I be looking for? I have a strong sense of leaving this state.

Life sucks from time to time, but that’s not why I do not want to live a long life. I never wanted to live too long because of the human suffering and finding no one I can love without reservation on earth. I tried but this is much harder than I thought, maybe we human beings are rebellious in nature. God’s will has been clear to me and He reaffirmed again and again, things still do not seem promising to me. I’m weak and worrisome, I don’t know how long I can last.

First time I cried at work for work :(

It is not a very good day for me, because some people were mean to me. The nurses’ assistants have been uncooperative with me since I’m new, and I have been trying to do everything by myself and disregard their attitude. Some are really nice and helpful though, but not the bunch working today. I couldn’t get help from feeding a patient, get vital signs from a post-op patient, or assistance to lift a patient. I used to pick up food trays, pick up supplies, and transport patients before, however today’s kind of a gloomy day for me and all these drove me into tears. I was holding onto myself pretty well until I really can’t keep it to myself anymore and told the charge nurse. Tears streamed down my cheeks when I started talking and all the emotions came flooding in. I realized I have to be fair and true to myself more instead of suppressing my inner thoughts or feelings of dealing with them. Today is the first time I have a strong urge to find another job and work somewhere, I’d rather work odd hours than to suffer cold shoulders from others.

I have been thinking about moving out of state from time to time, especially when I was going though my emotional life before. I was thinking leaving all these behind so I can live a better life, after some thought I knew I won’t. This is my weakness, or a common weakness for most?! I guess I’m trapped, trapped in the affair of love.

a sad day…

The second patient died in my care happened on Tuesday… The same guy I sent to ER due to respiratory distress couple weeks ago. He was fine and actually got discharged after an extended stay at the ICU. His wife was full of hope that he’ll get better since the doctor suggested that he was a good candidate for lung transplant. He was able to walk out from the bedroom to the dining room for dinner for once and took a shower, which he was not able to do before because of such weakness and shortness of breath. They have 2 young children and now it’s mom who has to take care of them all by herself. The sadest part is the love of her life gone in such a sudden incident, left her with despire and tears. I have no words that can help her but just be with her quietly at her side. It’s hard to comfort someone without the hope of eternal salvation. I still hope that God would comfort her heart and look after her children.

失而復得

無意中尋回失去了兩年多的雨傘，那一刻我幾乎想哭！我還記得當初失去了這傘的時候，我又著急又氣憤！急著要找回來用，又氣自己沒有好好收起來！我是 很喜歡這個雨傘，又輕巧又是縮骨，平實的啡色又順眼，放在包裏面幾乎感覺不到它的存在。所以我常帶在身上，就連去歐洲也帶著它！想不到有一天卻找不到啦， 想來想去都想不出來，但我 trace back 我的memory, 心想應該是在家裏… 頭一個月不斷的找，之後斷斷續續的找了很長時間，都找不著，一直叫我悶悶不樂。過了一年才平復一些，問題是我覺得這傘應該還在家裏，為什麼總是找不著？！ 上個禮拜在無意中卻在一個我不常用的包裏丟出來！在我要去 Wisconsin 的時候去找個背包上路，就無意中在一個我沒用了兩年的包裏丟出來！當時我又驚又喜，真是非墨筆所能形容！還有就是在去旅行之前，我忘了把自己的聽筒拿回 家，留了在醫院，那裏工作的人多，心裏害怕會丟了，就問同事有沒有看到，有的話就幫我收起來。及後回去，沒有看見，就心裹一沉，心想是沒有找到啦，就自己 到處看，把應找的地方都找過啦，還是找不著！心裏又不樂，怪自己常常大頭蝦，不好好把東西放好，又到處亂放，之前己經找不到我的card reader… 誰不知又在一個不大可能的地方找著了！當時又是一時的興奮，心裏十分感恩！

這樣的事情很少發生在我的身上，從小到大如果我丟了東西，經常是不會找回來，最近卻一一找回失去的東西，心裏感謝主的憐憫，讓我在心景不太平伏的時候從生活的小節上得些安慰，心情也好了些。之前我也丟了自己一生人第一條買的絲巾，真希望能找回來…

一切都是最好的安排

無意中翻著一個舊電郵，我是一個不大在意別人 forward 出來 mass email 的人，通常都不太讀內容，就跳過去看別的，更不最說是呢種 attachment 的小故事，十之八九都不會看。無意中卻不知道為什麼看了一個 “從前有一個國家” 的電郵故事，大意是說人生的種種遭遇，無論是順景還是不如意，都可以是最好的安排。光看眼前不幸的處景，而沒有寬廣的眼光看得長遠的話，往往只會讓自己不 快，而沒想到會有出人意外的結果。難道是是阿Q精神？我想在主裏面的人，就可以放心的相信，神給我們的不是膽怯的心，乃是剛強，仁愛，謹守的心，相信祂所 應許的不會落空，祂的話也卻不徒然返回，必要成就祂所喜悅的事，信靠祂的人，在神差他所去要成就的事上面，也必然亨通！我想要能明白一切都是神最好的安排 不難，但要在我親身面對的一切事上都完全信靠，就有點難度，因為人都是容易看環境，看社會，看別人來判斷事情，而不是看神的話語… 我希望能好好學習，明白並走在神的話語裏面，渡我在世的日子，直等到祂再來。

Lost and found

I was looking for my contact lenses this morning, knew that I should have packed with my stuff but not so sure if I have them. Just like what happened couple weeks ago with my new scarf, I was looking for it everywhere so sure that I had it in my bag. I couldn’t find it and probably should have lost it at this point. This time, I got my lenses. Things are going well for the past couple days!

Dells

Planned to go to Wisconsin Dells with my relatives, so we took a long drive there. Even though I have worked twelve hours the day before, I enjoyed the drive because I got good companies. It’s been such a long time I haven’t really enjoyed anything. I was bothered by my emotional life for the past few months, and wasn’t able to bring myself up to anything at all. God has been very kind to me, giving me words of comfort and affirmation. It’s me who don’t have enough faith to trust His will, so was kind of wondering in the mood of unsettling. After having a long talk to my friend and having my close relatives in town, brought great excitement and joy to me since yesterday. It’s kind of like a paradigm shift, things are the same and also changed… It’s me or something else? I think it’s God been found, and again we meet again. I hope that His Word in me will continue to take root and stand fast in me, so His name could be glorified through my life. He loves me for sure and so do I

Quality conversation

I was pretty down cast yesterday and hid in the bathroom crying while working in the hospital. My blood-shot eyes betrayed me and most of my coworkers asked me what’s wrong. How can I say? I just felt belittled by people who I really cared about, and started the downward spiral of emotions all of a sudden. One of the doctors working in the hospital asked me what’s going on, and I almost cried in front of him. I’m glad that I held onto myself and did not behave unprofessionally! I know this does not sound right…

A friend came to work later and I told him all about it. I felt much better after expressing myself without hesitation, I felt the freedom of saying anything and everything! So I was comforted by the fact that I have a friend I can talk to and very thankful to God that I still have at least one friend to talk to… almost about anything.

slow day

The hospital is very slow today, besides it’s Sunday I guess because God is being kind to my misery that a lighter day would be helpful. This is a moment for me to think a little more clearly and calm myself down from earlier. I’m much better now.